In the shell stage, one does what one should do; in the rebel stage, what one should not do; and in the love stage, what one wants to do. Many times behavior in the love stage will be similar to behavior in the shell stage, but the motivation behind it is entirely different. Instead of trying to please someone else, the person is trying to please her- or himself. ~ Rebuilding – When Your Relationship Ends by Fisher and Alberti, page 157.

The good West Texas girl mastered “should”
though parents and sisters would often add,
like “You shouldn’t wear stripes and prints,”
“You can do better than that,” and “Are you going
to pick that up?” The rebel grew in her and she
mixed taboo colors, refused to “act like a lady”
or get “there” on time. And when shoulds
clashed with shrugs, guilt led to respite in food,
comfortable, accepting food. Food became clever
rebellion; she showed them. Finally, honesty wriggled
to surface, took hold with help from loving others
whose shoulds and shrugs reflected hers.
They loved her, modeled recovery, and loved away
the shoulds and shrugs, leaving understanding
with love.