Not Willing

I prayed for God to keep me from eating my binge foods. I ate food that had fallen into the trash. I ate food that I knew was addictive. Then came the realization: I was not willing. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2705-2706).

I prayed. I ate. I ate. I knew. I was not willing.
But that can’t be true! I’ve prayed to be willing.
I’ve prayed to be willing to be willing.
Whatsoever you ask in my name, that will be given…
The spirit is willing. But there’s that pesky other,
but the flesh is weak. I want this or that, God willing.
Well, the this or that I want is recovery, is good,
is alignment with His will for me, and God is willing.
But then again, that’s not the problem.
I know it’s an addiction, I know I don’t need the crud,
I know that the better, the right way for me
is God’s will. And, to be redundant, that’s not the problem.
God is willing. I say I am. I pray to be willing.
I pray to be willing to be willing…but I’m not willing.
The flesh is weak. The flesh pulls me down.
God in me, my will in God’s, that’s what’s good!
But when I do not do what I would do, wicked woman I am,
For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;
but I see another law at work in me,
waging war against the law of my mind
and making me a prisoner
of the law of sin at work within me.
God, I believe. Help my unbelief. Make me really willing.