It’s Not a Triangle

Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better…
that I may better what? Oh, I know the prayer.
That I may better do thy will. But do I mean it when I pray it?
This feels important. Okay, remove the bondage of self
so may better do God’s will. What does the bondage of self mean?
Slavery or involuntary servitude of my own nature and character.¹
What is my nature or character I’m trying to deal with?
Surely it’s codependency. Wanting so desperately to please a man,
to “earn” his appreciation. I will never ever be appreciated by him.
I believe that. Is it true? What does appreciated mean?
He appreciates me if he acknowledges I have talents and abilities;
even if it means envy, he does that. The first definition is “recognize the full worth of” with synonyms like 
value, treasure, admire, respect, hold in high regard, think highly of, think much of…
Does he do that of me? He would certainly think so…but he doesn’t. So, I offer myself to thee…Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. 
It’s even worse when I get to
take away my difficulties because I would tend to name him
my first and foremost difficulty. Can I not be tacky to him
and still honor my self? Is that my bondage of self?
I don’t know. God help me. I don’t know.

slavery to self

 

 

 

 

¹ http://indisincted.blogspot.com/2007/11/bondage-of-self.html