I’ve known always – well, nearly always —
what I should do. I exercised all my would-be willpower
to some success, short-lived, erratic…
failed miserably, tried again, repeated
ad nauseum.
I could not do.

I discovered the rooms of recovery,
caught the excitement, realized the promise,
worked the steps, set out to do, determined,
expecting to do everything right,
to the n^th degree.
Determined to do program perfectly
I fell on my face.
I say I will – but can’t.

Years of listening, learning, healing
as I flail at obedience, strive to give up,
knowing that’s an oxymoron, feeling like another…
Serving, speaking, writing, “getting it”
and passing it on, but only occasionally
finding recovery internalized…
Until I really do, until I understand
“Your will, not mine,” and “do thy bidding.”
I can’t do it. I can’t will it.
But with God’s help, I do.