Eagle Wings Press

Our deepest fear is we are powerful beyond measure. ~ “Our Greatest Fear” by Marianne Williamson

I can deal with mediocrity
or beam with respect
and even accept failure
though I fault someone else.
But what if, instead of life
beyond my wildest dreams,
I find myself really able to change the world
my world, your world, even just a bit?
What if what I do – what I did – really mattered?
As long as things remain within a range of foreseeable,
okay, no big deal. I reason then I turned my life,
my will over to that big a power.
But what if I find out my god, as I understand,
as I defined and crafted, what if
what I know is too small,
understated, incomplete?
What if I made up an inadequate god?
Who do I blame if God failed to fail?

I found my tribe, the social architecture that fulfills my every need for camaraderie and conviviality. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 333

An ugly duckling, I wandered alone
among others, different, strange
when they were all I’d known.
Certain of nothing, convinced something
could be done if only I knew what or how
I cowered, hiding, or brazenly took charge
but never belonged.
Chance brought me together with another,
an other like me. How did I know?
I don’t know. I needed no rationale,
had no cause to act shy or bold.
I just knew all was well. I was home.

Gut-punched, I step in gingerly
feeling the extent of damage
like I inch into a swimming pool.
Plenty bad, embarrassing but manageable.
I sit, wanting to lash out, wanting vengeance
but for what? How could that help?
Established patterns remind me
of solace-seeking in the kitchen
and beyond, friendly anonymous drive-throughs,
but why? If food would help, maybe,
but I’ve tested those waters long enough.
I know they compound, don’t console.
Instead, I talk to trusted confidants,
allow time to sit here, to absorb and release.
Then I repair damage, remind myself
of facts I knew – know –  resolve to remember
and move on to life worth living,
friends worth trusting, to recovery.